Eat My Ass, Mr Crissman
by PugsAndPie
Summary: Dimension traveling best friends are best friends forever. Only true bros would harass fictional characters together.
1. The Beginning- LazyTown

This had all started, obviously, because Pete and Dan were complete and utter fucking _nerds_. Honestly, they should have been put in seperate mental institutions years ago.

It had started off innocetly enough, but then they both started to call Draco Malfoy "daddy" and yelling about Guy Fieri, even going as far as to write a fanfiction where the two of them met Guy Fieri.

These two gays, obviously, shouldn't have been trusted with some horrifying contraption (it looked like a pussy, Pete and Dan were only so mature) that would send them from any book, movie, tv show, or (unfortunately) anime.

"Bitch, why the fuck would we even _make this_?" Dan questioned, standing alongside Pete, in front of the lewd contraption.

"Because I wanted to beat the shit out of Stephanie and you wanted to cry over Harry Potter, remember?"

"Oh, yeah." Dan said, in awe of the machine (how they managed to build a seven foot high vagina shaped box was beyond them.) "Did we have to make it in the shape of a vagina, though?"

"Well, I couldn't figure out how to make it bong shaped, so this was Plan B."

"Georgia O'Keefe would have been proud."

"Step inside the pussy, Dan, I'm ready to beat the shit out of a pink haired rotten buffalo wing."

"Why do you want to beat her up? What did LazyTown do to you?"

"If they aren't an anime character and they have naturally pink hair, they need to die."

"Fair enough."

It worked, surprisingly, considering it had been handcrafted by two teenagers who had only used _semi_ illegal materials,- this stuff took a lot of energy, and Dan, the movie fanatic, had suggested plutonium, so they got plutonium, and they didn't want to talk about where it came from- stuff from the Wal-Mart craft center, and out of Dan's shed.

They stepped out of the machine (Peter had dubbed it "watermelon pussy" and Dan refues to use it) and saw the familiar catoony style set, along with the puppets, Sportacus, and, to Peter's rage, Stephanie.

To Dan, it happened in slow motion, Pete launched his tiny, gay, angry ass into the air, landing hard on Stephanie, all the while screaming in spanish and tearing clumps of her fourescant pink hair out of her head.

Dan, having grown used to Pete's temper, simply stood and recorded it for World Star.

At this point, Stephanie's friends-the puppets, Sportacus had slowly backed away- tried to remove Pete from Stephanie, who was screaming and sobbing for mercy, but Pete was having none of their shit, and kicked them out of the way.

"Did you come out of a-" Sportacus began, turning to Dan, who was putting the fight on him snapchat story.

"Vagina. I know, trust me."

"Ah." Sportacus sighed, his shoulder's slumping.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why don't you just use a phone instead ofa letter to reach Stephanie?"

"Beacause-" Sportacus never got to finish his sentance, as he was interuppted by Pete, who had fled the fight, leaving a bleeding, sobbing, badly bruised, and nearly bald Stephanie behind, with only two puppets chasing after him.

"Get the _fuck_ inside the watermellon pussy, Dan!" Pete screamed, dragging Dan by the arm, running away from an army of murderous puppets.

"Bye!" Dan waved, and Sportacus gave him an awkward smile.

After a few seconds, the machine was gone, leaving angry puppets, a confued man in a track suit, and a woman, who had had all of her hair pulled out, except for a small tuft of pink hair on the middle of her head.

"Bitch looks like a fuckin'Wal-Mart troll doll, dude." Pete said, breaking the silence.

Dan and Pete turned to each other and burst into laughter, both at the absurtity of the situation and the fact that Pete still had a tiny puppet arm attached to his jacket.


	2. Geometric Sins- Gravity Falls

Honestly, after the full cat fight Pete had had with Stephanie, Dan was wary about going anywhere else with him. Not that he was against the violence that Pete brought down like the wrath of an anient god, no, he was just afraid that his phone would die if Pete kept fighting everyone in sight.

Fighting, though, wasn't on the agenda this time.

"I'm gonna fuck Bill, Dan."

"Pete, we have two rules. One, don't commit murder. Two, don't fuck geometrical shapes. We made pact."

"Yeah, but I'm still gonna fuck the shit out of him, fuck the rules."

"He doesn't have a dick! He's a triangle."

"We'll find a way, don't you worry, son."

They finally landed, and when they stepped outside the machine (Pete had upgraded the name of it to Meat Wallet, and Dan still refused to acknowledge it) it seemed like a normal forest, in cotrast to the shitty TV set they'd endured in LazyTown.

"Fuck, did we find an actual forest? Because, if so, I'm gonna be pissed. I wanted to kill some shit." Dan swore, grabbing Pete's hand and pulling him into the woods, leaving the machine behind them.

Eventually, after what seemed like hours of walking, they found a clearing, which lead to a trail, which lead to both of them crying because they weren't athletic, but eventually Pete and Dan ended up going past a billboard (Pete had put emphasis on Bill, winking at the sky, as if Bill was watching to see a teenager made a pun about his name) that proclaimed "Gravity Falls" in huge block letters.

This, evidently, was not the end of their walking, because apparently billboards about entering the town's limits can be up to a mile away from any kind of food. By the time they had made it downtown, Dan was filled with a hungry rage.

"Do you have any money?" Dan asked, eyeing Greasy's Diner.

"No, the puppets stole my wallet."

"Goddamnit, Pete."

They stepped inside, only to see a machine, which had the words "RING THE BELL AND THE PANCAKES ARE FREE!" stamped above it. It looked like a strongman machine, and even though he was very chubby, there was nothing Dan couldn't do when it came to ahieving free food.

A few patrons chuckled as they saw the teenager pick up the mallet. After all, if a grown man- Stanford has become the laughing stock of the town after failing to hit the bell after three attempts, and he was very sensitive about the subject- couldn't ring the bell, how could a boy hit it?

"I've got a sugar high riding on you, famioli." Pete said, in the way on encouragement.

Dan gripped the mallet, envisioned the assload of syrup he would pile onto the panakes, and then swung, hard. The bell rang, loud and clear, and Dan was handed a plate piled high with pancakes.

Pete and Dan sat down, divided the pancakes, and wolfed them down. Maybe, just maybe, they would get out of this without anyone getting dicked-

Stan, Dipper, and Mabel entered the diner, and Dan was overcome with the feeling that, yes, God did hate him.

"I don't see why you're so worked up about it, Grunkle Stan. No one ever wins those pancakes." Mabel said, causing half the diner to burst into laughter.

"Well, a kid just won those pancakes, so it can't be that hard!" A man called, and the twins and Stan easily zeroed in on the scrawny gay boys eating a pile of pancakes.

Pete had been lost in his food, so Dan had to hit him and give him a pointed look, which was the nonverbal equivalent of "our actual daddy just entered the goddamned dinner and you're scarfing down pancakes, you fuck." Pete put down his fork, and both boys attempted their best puppy dog eyes, but the group just sat down at a booth across the diner from them, saying nothing.

After a few moments of Pete and Dan inhaling their pancakes, they left the Diner, both of them looking at the floor. Of course, Pete was a thirsty fuck, as always, and ran towards the woods again, leaving Dan standing in the parking lot.

Well, Dan thought, shrugging. At least I don't get to see him molest Bill.

Dan walked around aimlessly for bout an hour, and then he heard the screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bill zomed out of the woods, with Pete close behind. Somehow (and Dan really didn't want to know) he had been trapped in his human form.

Dan had learned a long time ago to not question what Peter did while he was thirsty, but this was too much.

Pete ran out after Bill, spotting Dan. "I told you I'd find his dick, Dan!"

At this point, Dipper, Mabel, and Stan arrived, entrapped by the show as well.

"I have never seen Bill that terrified." Dipper monotoned, and Dan shrugged.

"I guess I should go get him before he drives Bill up a tree or something." Dan sighed, taking off in a run in the direction of the shit, Bill had pipes.

Dan, Dipper, and Mabel found Bill and Pete, and, while the twins were horrified, Dan simply ran up and grabbed Pete from behind, causing the shorter man to kick.

"Dan, what the fuck!" Bill collapsed on the ground, chest heaving.

"I told you not to, you gremlin sized ass bitch." Dan argued, beginning to drag Pete into the woods.

Bill, Dipper, and Mabel watched this, but didn't say anything.

"Bye guys! Sorry Pete almost screwed you, Bill!" Dan nodded at all of them, and then prceeded to drag Pete back to the mahine, throw him in, and glare menacingly.

"I was so close." Pete whined.


	3. Banging the Emo- Harry Potter

Dan was beginning to think that this was a bad idea.

Pete was dirty and bleeding, and Dan really needed a shower, not because he was agressively beating the hell out of people like Pete was, no, it was because he had the task of running after Pete and trying to get him not to beat people up or molest them.

Pete, despite the fact that he was extremely tiny, was fast. He was like a gay Sonic.

As soon as they landed, Dan let out a groan of disgust. The machine seemed to have a forest kink or something, because they were, once again, in a dense forest with no trail.

"Pete, I swear to God, if you try to do anything with anyone, I will tear off your dick." Dan threatened, grabbing the other boys hand and tugging him through the forest.

"Shouldn't we hide it or something?" Pete said, jogging to keep up with Dans quick strides.

"If you found a gigantic vagina machine in a forest, would you snitch?" Dan said, pushing branches out of the way.

They walked for what seemed like hours, and there was still no visible way out of the forest. Pete wanted to stop and sleep, but Dan wanted to keep going, so Pete was riding piggyback on Dan. They both envisioned themselves as old people, adressing Dan's grandchildren with a loud "When I was your age, I walked through a forest for several miles at night. Night, you litte bastards!"

"Bloody 'ell, did you 'ear 't?" A strong Irish accent broke through the trees, and both Dan and Pete breathed a sigh of relief. People, of course, were welcomed, considering they were near exhaustion, but they were Irish.

"Dunno, mate, probably just a squirell." Another voice came through, english this time.

Okay, but where were the Texan forest creeps?

"We coud totally scare the shit out of them." Pete's voice breathed, and Dan could practically see the grin on his face.

"No, Pete-" Dan was interuppted when two boys moved into their path, holding wands.

Wands. If this was the Harry Potter universe, Pete was going to cry with joy.

The boys stared at them, bug eyed, and Pete and Dan realized wht they must have looked like, covered in dirt, mud, thimbles, blood (Dan had encountered a particularly agressive ferret, which jumped on his face), and wearing torn, tattered clothing.

There was a moment of prolonged silence, and the four boys stared at each other

"Boo." Dan monotoned, making Pete laugh. This, in turn, scared the hell out of the boys, as they ran off, screaming in a different direction.

Dan struggled to bend down and grab the wand one of the boys had dropped, and handed it to Pete. Pete looked as if he had been waiting for this moment for his entire life, and he held the wand gently, as if it were made of glass.

"Lumos." Pete whispered, making the light emitted from the stolen wand glow brighter.

"Lead the way, Pedro."

Pete pointed the wand north, and they moved onwards, both of them mimicking the boys from before.

Eventually, they found a castle, and Pete climbed off of Dan. Both of them looked at each other, obviously realizing that this was Hogwarts, and the fact that they could see it meant that they weren't muggles.

"Race you!" Dan screamed, tearing off for the castle gates, leaving Pete behind to catch up.

"Hey!"

Somehow, they had gotten inside, and it had involved throwing Pete over the gates, but both Dan and Pete were more preoccupied with taking a bath and sleeping than the logistics of Dan's "Catapult Pete" plan.

"Harry, I don't think this plan is very sound-" A girl's voice echoed behind them, growing closer. Obviously, it was Hermione, and both gays were terrified.

Pete walked forward, grabbing the sleeve of Dan's hoodie. "Shower first, grind on Snape later."

Dan, grimicing at the thought of Pete twerking on Snape, nodded.

"What could go wrong-" Pete and Dan turned, only to see Harry, Ron, and Hermione looking at them with varying degrees of shock. "Who are you? Are you both okay?"

"Why wouldn't we be okay?" Pete asked, his cheeks flushing.

"You're covered in dirt and blood." Ron said, eying them.

"A ferret attacked us, I just need to get a rabies shot, I'll be fine."

Dan turned, not wanting to deal with this questioning any longer, even if it was from the people who made his childhood awesome.

"See, professor, I told you they'd be out here, and I-" Draco began, his voice caught in his throat as his eyes roamed over Pete's small, dirty body.

Even if Pete was covered in dirt and his best friend's bood, Draco looked at him as if he was a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.

"Yoo hoo!" McGonagall waved her hands in front of Draco's face, making the emo snap out of it. "It's detention for all of you."

Dan and Pete wanted to tell the agressive elderly white woman that they didn't even go here, but they both felt like not being kicked out before getting a shower would be a waste, so they stayed silent and tried to look dissapointed.

"Oh noooo, Dan, how will ever go to that thing?" Pete slumped, trying not to laugh.

"Right," Dan nodded, producing his biggest puppy dog eyes. "I'm sooooo dissapointed, but we'll just have to go back to our dorms."

Pete and Dan ran in a random direction, leaving a confused group of Gryffindors, a professor, and a sappy Slytherin behind. It stuck them after about seven minutes of running that they had no idea where the common rooms were, what the passwords were, or how to pass for wizards, since they ony had one wand, and Pete was territorial about it.

Eventually, they found the prefects bathroom and followed a unsuspecting teenager inside. The room had giant, stained glass windows, stalls, and two circular bathtubs (Dan argued that they were hot tubs, since they had jets). The prefect changed and went to the left one, while Dan and Pete changed and cannonballed into the right one, splashing the prefect, who quickly left.

"So," Pete began, turning one of the many brass knobs, releasing pink bubbles. "Draco likes me."

"Pete, I told you not to molest any more fictional characters." Dan sighed, scrubbing the dirt off of his skin.

"But if he likes me, it's not molesting."

Dan sighed in resignation, rolling his shoulders. "Dude, as long as he wants to and I don't have to see it, I don't give a shit."

Pete winked, blowing bubbles at him.

The next day, after stealing robes- which were fairly hard to find, along with ties, because Dan was tall and curvy, while most of the boy popuation seemed to be tall and skinny, and Pete was short, whereas most boys at Hogwarts seemed to be 7'3"-, sleeping in the Room of Requirement, and taking selfies with a 'borrowed' wizard camera, Dan and Pete were extremely happy.

The thought of attending classes, to them, was the best thing they could have ever imagined, while everyone else seemed to been gloomy.

"But Dan, we're Slytherins." Pete complained, tugging at his Hufflepuff tie.

"Your emo ass boyfriend is in our year, he wou;d have asked questions." Dan explained, taking a seat at the Hufflepuff table. "Besides, nobody important in Harry Potter was a Hufflepuff, so we should be fine."

Pete and Dan ate in relative silence, as they were both preoccupied with the decorations and food to talk about anything. They were broken out of their revire when someone sat down, throwing down their bag, next to Pete, who was sitting across from Dan.

Of course, it was Pete's emo ass boyfriend.

"I didn't catch your names." Draco said smootly, his eyes on Pete.

"I'm Dan." Dan said, jabbing his scrambled eggs. "That's Peter, but I call him Pete."

"Why are you sitting over here?" Draco wrinkled his nose, giving a pointed ook to the Hufflepuffs seated near them. "Slytherin is way cooler."

"Dan, d'you wanna?" Pete jerked his head toward Draco, questioning his friend.

Dan was suddenly aware of Harry, Ron, and Hermione staring at the back of his head, and he shook his head.

" I'm good, dude." Dan said, his biting into his toast. "Make sure he doesn't forget the ice."

"Sorry?" Draco asked, confused.

Dan winked, and Pete was dragged away by Draco. All at once, Dan was dragged over to the Gryffindor table and surrounded by enough ginger to last him a lifetime.

"What're you doin' with Malfoy?" One of the boys asked, Dan suspected it was Fred.

"He's fawning over my best friend, not me." In sync, the group turned to see Draco leaning over Pete, who was wearing Draco's scarf and blushing a bright red colour.

It was safe to say that, at this point, Pete was totally getting the dick.

Dan turned away, along with the the group, and tried to hide his grin.

"The hell is he doin' that for?" The boy on the right, George, asked, grimacing.

"He's into emo white boys." Dan respondeed, picking up a doughnut and taking a small bite.

Pete eventually broke off from Draco after breakfast, and both he and Dan felt like exploring and doing nothing, but Hogwarts had an abundance of snitch prefects.

"What year are you two in?" The ravenclaw before them asked arrogantly, puffing out his chest.

"Uhhhh..." Pete was two years younger than Dan, but he didn't want to get seperated from his fellow gay, so he lied. "Sixth."

"Sixth year Hufflepuffs are in the dungeons today!" Agressively, the Ravenclaw grabbed Pete and Dan by the arm, and marched them to the dungeons, where Snape, the bane of Dan's existence and the light of Pete's life, held class.

Of course, where there was Snape, there would be Slytherins, and Draco Malfoy was sat in the front row, eyeing Pete like he had just been adorned with a thousand "Potter Stinks" buttons. At once, Draco shoved the people on either sides of him out of thier seats, and looked from Pete to the chair, smiling expectantly.

The gay heros had no choice, as the rest of the chairs had been filled, and sat down next to Draco. After the instructions were given- for love potion, like it wasn't a magical roofie or something- Draco forced a second year to get their supplies.

Dan cut his gurdyroot into small, even slices, while Pete flirted, very nearly burning his hand in the process. Pete and Draco lagged behind, talking about broomsticks, while Dan finished up, his face sweaty and red.

"Guys." Dan said, gaining the attention of the two mega emos. "This is class. You will fail." This seemed to make Pete snap into academia mode, as he was famously obsessed with having a grade no lower than a A-.

Content, Dan stirred his potion until it had the desired pearl colour, and looked over at Pete. Pete, fully in academic mode, was furiously glaring at his book, worrying his lip. Draco sighed and tossed several random ingredients into his couldron, not caring about his grade.

Pete's potion turned out perfect in the end, andDraco was left with a grey liquid that seemed to be billowing green smoke in large spirals.

"What do you smell, dude?' Dan asked, staring at his friend.

"Watermelon, bubblegum," Pete began, frowning when he tried to identify the third scent. "and...hair gel?"

Draco, who stood next to Pete, famous for his hair gel, was extremely happy with this confession.

"I got onions, bananas, and Axe body spray, so I'm probably looking for a fuckboy." Dan shrugged, his hair falling into his eyes.

The bell rang, and everyone began to siphon their potions into vials for judgement. This, unfortunately, made Pete and Dan miss out on whatever scents Draco loved.

Dan and Pete made it out into the hallway, leaving Draco behind.

"Dude, we need to leave."

"Dan, I'm gonna get the dick from him wether you like it or not."

"If we stay here long enough, people are gonna figure out that we don't even go here."

Pete hesistated, thinking it over. "Okay, one more period and then we climb back into the pussy."

"Stop calling it that!" Dan said, rolling his eyes. "Fine, but if you and your emo reject don't get together by then, I will leave your ass here."

"Hey!" Draco saw them, sprinting towards Pete with a smirk on his face. "I have a free period, so-"

Dan gave Pete a pointed go fuck the boy look at Pete, and the younger boy took Draco's arm, pulling him off down the hallway. Dan, knowing his virgin ass would be bored out of his mind for the next mind, tried to track someone down who knew where the library was.

Eventually, after the bell rang, Dan ventured out, looking for Pete, and eventually found him, limping with a large grin on his face.

"Dude, he's hung." Pete grinned, winking.

"Can we leave, now that you've fucked the prince of the emos?"

"Yep."

Dan and Pete exited the building, heading for the forest, and found the mechine, in all of it's vagina shaped glory.

"If it's another universe where you get dicked, they better have a good library." Dan said, pushing a button.


	4. Tentacle Hugs- Creepy Pasta

Despite both gays pleas for a trip that didn't stick them in the middle of a random ass forest, like Star Wars or some shit, the machine landed in another forest.

This forest, however, was creepy and intimidating, unlike the others before it. It was now nighttime, and only the trees nearest to them could be seen through the pitch black darkness.

Luckily- or unluckily, depending on how many horror games you had played- Pete spotted a flashlight and turned it on, allowing them to see the several creepy ass trees in front of them. Unforunately, there was a path cut through the trees, which meant that someone either was crazy enough to walk through this without shitting themself or a creepy ass tantacl monster cut a trail to trap stupid white kids straight out of horror movies into getting hentai raped.

When Dan voiced these concerns, Pete paid him no mind, as the threat of tentacles only seemed to make him want to go into the forest more, and Dan found himself dragged into it.

With every step, the forest seemed to get more and more creepy, and Pete found himself enjoying it, relishing in the cold air and blank sky above it. Dan, however, was one branch snap away from running his scared white ass back to the machine.

Suddenly, there was a rush of cold air, and both gays felt the presence of something behind them, so they turned, Pete holding up the flashlight higher.

What they saw could be simply defined as "Pete's dream come true". It was a man (they were guessing here, neither of them wanted to ask it what pronouns it used), with a skinny, lean build, a black suit, a height that was the equivalent of three Pete's stacked on top of each other, and, most noticeably, had no face but had somehow gotten tentacles.

Both boys had been through a creepypasta phase, and they knew that it was Slenderman and they shouldn't fuck with him, but both of them had a constant death wish, so they weren't very intimidated.

"Dude, is that a fucking morphsuit?" Dan grinned, looking up at the man's (was it a man? it wasn't exactly clear) face, or lack thereof.

"Boy, did you go to fucking Party Central and pick the cheapest thing out, or what?" Pete cheekily grinned, shining his flashlight up into Slenderman's head.

Slenderman's tentacles extended, curling towards them. To any normal human, this would have been terrifying, but the both of them had seen too much of the internet.

"SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS, SLENDER SENPAI!" Pete screamed, making Slenderman back away slightly.

"FUCK ME WITH YOUR TENTACLES, DADDY!" Dan put on a high, girly voice, arms reaching out for the tall figure before him.

Slenderman seemed to be reconsidering his decision to approach them, and if screaming to shove tentacles up their ass wasn't enough, both boys jumped forward, wrapping thei arms tightly around Slenderman.

As a creature who killed children for a living, it wasn't surprising that he had never been hugged before. The combined warmth and comfort (and from Pete, hornyness) from both boys was too much, and he felt blood that he didn't know he had rush to his pale, faceless head.

Slowly, the tentacles and arms wrapped around both boys in a comforting embrace, and neither of the three seemed to want to let go. After what seemed like hours, footsteps could be heard coming towards the group.

"Hey! Dude! Have you killed those kids yet, cause everyone thinks you're just bai-" A teenager appeared, not much older than Dan, with a Joker esque smile carved onto his pale, creepy face.

All at once, Slenderman snapped away from the two boys, sending them tumbling towards the ground.

The teenager before thim was Jeff the Killer, Dan and Pete recognized, and seemed to be giving Slenderman a pointed I'm-never-letting-this-go look, one that Dan and Pete had used often on each other when catching the other doing something embarassing.

"You're hugging?" Jeff said, as if waiting for Slenderman to contradict him. "You're getting on our asses about staying on brand, but here you are, hugging teenagers instead of ripping thm apart. Honestly!"

Slenderman wilted, embarassed that he'd let his gaurd down that easily, but also sad that the hug had ended that soon, he was really getting the hang of it.

"Hugs are cool, my man, it's not our fault your mommy didn't give you enough." Pete bit the words out before he could process them, swallowing hard when he realized that, yes, he might die.

Jeff, who was standing with his back toward the teenagers, whipped around, glaring at both boys, his cold, emotionless eyes scanning the both of them.

"Hugs aren't cool when you're a monster, fyi." Jeff seethed, turning back to give a pointed look to Slenderman. "And yes, my mother did give me hugs, eat my ass!"

"Were they that bad that you had to kill her, though." Dan snapped, pulling himself up from the ground.

Suddenly, Dan found himself lifted into the air and pushed back into a tree, staring into Jeff's shitty, emo eyes. Neither of them said anything, just locked eyes and glared, meanwhile Pete had returned to Slenderman's side, murmurring puns.

"I could kill you, you understand."

"Yeah, but then I'd haunt your emo ass, so it wouldn't really be worthwhile."

"You can't haunt me, I'm already dead."

"D'you wanna risk it though? I have enough puns to last us eternity, but it might get slightly boring."

Jeff dropped his hold on Dan, turned away, only to see Pete, snuggled back into Slenderman's side, the tall figure's gaunt face flushed pink.

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm doing this, but you two need to leave." Jeff grabbed the both of them and snapped his fingers with one free hand.

Instantly, Dan and Pete were in front of The Machine, and Dan felt like he could cry with happiness, but Pete was dissapointed, because Slenderman hadn't heard the rest of his dank pun.


	5. Adult Tentacle Hugs- Hentai (smut)

Fortunately for Dan and Pete, the local gays, God (or whatever asshole created Earth) had decided to gift them with not spawning in a goddamn forest, but this also created more problems, because a gigantic vagina shaped fandom machine isn't easy to hide. When it came to the forest, they could just leave it where they landed, but when it came to victorian England, they didn't really appreciate it.

Dan and Pete had only stepped out when they started to receive glares and questioning glances, but since they were both gay and looked like clearance Harry Potter figurines, neither of them were affected much.

Unfortunately, the public felt very affected, and took it upon themselves to report the "vulgar womb box" and the two "poorly dressed homosexual vagrants". They got the homosexual sense from the amount of times Dan had hugged Pete, as well as the back of Pete's hoodie, which read "HOMO AND IN HELL ALREADY" which Dan thought was cool, but the constables didn't..

And so, they both found themselves in chains and stuffed into a damp basement, the floor of which was covered in musty hay. Dan and Pete would have felt discouraged, if it were not for the rumpled looking servants on the other side, all of whom looked suspiciously like anime characters.

The maid, sat in between two men, had purple hair and glasses, while the men around her were both blonde and had weird accents.

Dan and Pete gave each other a look that clearly said "holy shit, it's totally anime"

Of course, they had to ask themselves, 'but, bro, what if we leave England, will it just be a different anime set in a different country?' Then again, Hetalia exists, and Dan and Pete saw this as an opportunity to legitimately fuck a country, as well as eat some bomb ass Italian food (mostly pasta).

Soon enough, the prejudiced constables returned, and Dan and Pete found themselves forced into clothing that was very uncomfortable. Both gays were transgender men, so when everyone found out about this-the gaurds had yelled fit to wake Jesus, so it was safe to assume everyone had heard- , they were both shoved into itchy, burlap like dresses, complete with constrictive corsets. Both boys agreed that, yes, they made these dresses work, but they missed the comfort of biker jackets and jeans.

Then, after being roughly dressed, they were shoved out with what seemed to be a warning (neither Dan nor Pete could understand heavily accented british), they both knew that the chance to connect with the anime characters and for Pete to sleep with a demon was torn away from them.

And so, both of them knew what to do, and that was clearly to get drunk and scream about their problems, like they had done so many times before- with the both of them either ending up blackout drunk and waking up at home or getting put in a drunk tank.

Pete had been able to steal some Good Shit (TM) otherwise known as rum. Both of them had seen Pirates of the Carribean, they knew how special good rum was.

Two hours and four bottles of alcohol between them later, Pete and Dan took to the streets, where sober people were preparing to head home. Pete wobbled, one arm around Dan's waist, bottle in the other. Dan pulled the both of them along, his arm lose around Pete's shoulders. Neither of them had thought ahead far enough to rent a room at an inn, so the two just wandered aimlessly, occasionally stopping to laugh at a random object or loudly whisper remarks to each other.

The constables weren't happy about this, but after Pete sacrificed one of the other stolen bottles, the main opressors backed off, probably drunk off their asses too. The other ones, however, Pete and Dan simply ran from, screaming, and hoped for the best.

Both boys stood in the middle of a street-neither or them had cared to learn the name-, their dresses splashed with rum, streaked with dirt and grass stains, and each of them had lost a shoe, either fom running away or having simply forgotten it.

"Pete?"

"Yeah?"

"Do y' think there's a hen-" Dan broke off to burp loudly, which Pete applauded. "hentai thingy?"

"Holy shit, YES."

Both boys lapsed into a comfortable silence, only broken by the occasional giggle or pause to drink more alcohol (like they even needed it, at this point).

Eventually, Dan and Pete made it to the machine (Pete affectionately yelled 'MY PUSSY' when he saw it, causing the both of them to collapse into a fit of drunken laughter, which only ended when they hear the angry shouts of british people coming near them.

Dan pushed a still giggling Pete into the machine, where they both slid the doors shut and waited for the comforting rumble and flash of light that usually accompanied them when they chose to leave. It had moved, clearly, because of the shift in noises outside, but nothing else changed.

Both boys exited the machine, still horrifyingly drunk, only to see a lake with a goddamn tentacle monster.

Clearly, Pete's assurance that there was a hentai universe wasn't wrong.

The term 'tentacle monster' wasn't used loosely, the thing was exactly that. Just tentacles. It wasn't a squid or any other normal animal, just a gigantic eyeless mass with tentacles that had purple suckers on the underside.

Pete, obviously, was ecstatic, as if he'd waited his entire life for this moment, while Dan stared forward with uncertainty, like any non hentai lover would do.

Somehow, the thing sensed them-they both had no idea how, it didn't even have a nose- and turned towards the both of them, expectant. It seemed to sense that Pete was the only one okay with this as it reached out quickly and wrapped its tentacles around Pete's ankles, carrying him into a cluster of innumerable tentacles over a lake.

Dan panicked, shouting and throwing random objects, but he began to get the feeling that Pete wasn't exactly against what the thing was doing to him.

In a quick, fluid motion, Pete's itchy dress was torn to shreds, leaving only tanned, soft skin in it's wake.

It wasn't like Dan hadn't seen Pete without his clothes on before (their drunken escapades had led them to go skinny dipping, for what reason neither of them could remember) but it was completely different to see your friend naked, powerless, and in the clutches of a lake monster. Dan knew exactly where this was going, he had been friends with Pete too long to not know.

Two tentacles separated themselves from the pack, individually creeping up a freely exposed leg, their suckers leaving purple hickey like marks in their wake. Pete twisted in the monsters grip, and suddenly they were everywhere, curling around his stomach, thighs, chest, neck, some of them gently teasing his sides and more sensitive areas.

In his drunken, blurry mind, Dan knew that, no, he did not want to watch his best friend get fucked by a tentacle monster, so he merely moved back into the machine, laid on the floor, and drunkenly opened his phone, where he started recording himself yelling about Pete getting fucked, his precious jacket being lost, and not getting to fuck Alois.

Outside, it had been established that, even though it was a faceless tentacle monster, consent was still important to it- Pete was drunk, yes, but it had been established that Pete would fuck anything moving if it stood still long enough- and waited for the human to get the hint and mumble something like "oh my fucking god, just do it."

The tentacles took action, curling around Pete's throat, teasing his nipples, and eventually letting one slip inside of him. Pete, long past words, gave out a loud noise of assent, which the monster took as a nonverbal "yes, more please" and eventually five icy, wet tentacles worked their way inside of the younger man's body, nudging against his walls and overly sensitive prostate.

Dan ventured outside again, camera in hand, still yelling, only to see Pete, dripping wet and stuffed to the literal brim with tentacles. Letting out an annoyed huff, Dan passed out on the grass, mumbling "worldstar, holy shit."

Pete writhed under the monster's tight grip, not able to form coherent words. Eventually, it all became to much for him, and he felt a familiar heat coiling in his abdomen. After a seventh tentacle was pushed inside, it became too much,and Pete came, eyes rolling in the back of his head, a soft whine escaping his lips. Pete passed out soon after, too drunk and limp to do anything else.

Both boys woke up, and upon seeing Pete's sore, bruised figure and Dan's dress, both of them gave up on trying to explain and trudged back to the machine, where they both cried together over both the alcohol and the tentacle monster.


	6. Space Closet Sex, Bro- Star Wars

Dan, even though he was drunk enough to confuse a bush for Pete, could still remember vividly the image of Pete being tentacle fucked, and it wouldn't go away, so matter how much whiskey he 'borrowed'.

Writing about your friend getting fucked by an animated pirate is one thing, but seeing it is another.

Pete, however, couldn't give less of a shit.

"Dan, it was just one tentacle monster. Let it go."

Thankfully, after a few days of sleep and binging on macaroni and cheese at home, they were ready to go again, and both of them said goodbye to their pets again.

With a whir and a thud, they were officially in a new world, and both gays collectively prayed that no, there wouldn't be a forest waiting for them this time. Their prayers were happily answered as they opened the labia shaped doors to reveal chrome, dark, polished metal, and a shit ton of monochrome grey.

Pete and Dan, as lovers of anything meme or Emo related, were happy with this arrangement- the only thing that could make it even better being a living Pepe, which Dan would totally sleep with. Soon enough, footsteps echoed in the hallways, only for a pair of stormtroopers to emerge.

Dan and Pete, as the gayest fans of Star Wars, were overjoyed.

"What in the fuc-" The shorter one on the left began, taking in the machine, only to get choked from behind by Pete.

The other stormtrooper put up a fight, but he passed out from sheer fatigue when Dan aggressively jumped on him and stayed there. After stripping the stormtroopers (which took a while, as Dan and Pete were doubled over, giggling, because one of them had "FLAVORTOWN" tattooed on his inner thigh) they deposited the men into a spare closet, and then put on their stolen clothes.

After a few minutes of saying things like "daddy" or "be our guest" both gays were ready to leave, picking up the abandoned guns and sprinting in the direction the original stormtroopers were going.

They weren't exactly stealthy, what with Dan asking Pete "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" which only made Pete whack him on his helmet.

The masks were shitty when it came to eyesight- which was a problem already, because both Dan and Pete wore glasses- meaning they couldn't really see anything right, left, or below them, which made Dan trip over several droids and Pete bump into aggressive looking officers. None of them were Hux or Phasma, though, so they didn't spare a second thought.

Dan and Pete joined a group and marched along, which was extremely boring. Unfortunately, every evil empire has boring jobs, and that was exactly the area that the unlucky (and still unconscious) stormtroopers they has assaulted worked in. Filing, honestly.

After half an hour of misdirecting people and shoving papers into random files, both gays got bored, so they decided to skive off and find Hux- mostly because Dan was a fanboy, but also Pete being evil as hell. The First Order base was large, oppressive, and confusing. Only when they had passed a statue of Supreme Leader Snoke (which they had both taken a picture with) for the fourth time did either of them admit to going in circles.

Pete pulled Dan into an elevator and pressed a button at random. Dan, meanwhile, was considering the possibilities of going somewhere they weren't supposed to be and getting in trouble, and was veering on the edge of a panic attack. Pete gave him a hug as they rose floors, but it did little to stop Dan from thinking about death.

The shiny, over polished doors opened, only to reveal Dan and Pete's anger sauce ginger father, Hux. Both gays held their breath as he stepped inside, Dan nearly squealing wen he nodded at him. Hux, in essence, was what the tentacle monster was to Pete, but without the suckers and with a face. His hair was perfectly combed, and both boys felt like running their fingers through it.

Both boys stood pressed together, neither of them brave enough to try to talk him. At this point, the black uniform and armor fitted over both of their clothes began to make both Dan and Pete sweat, Dan more so as he was wearing jeans in contrast to Pete's newly acquired shorts with "SUCK MY ASS" written on the back in rhinestones. Dan fidgeted, nudging Pete with his elbow. With a look, both of them internally screamed about the heat, unbeknownst to Hux.

Upon turning away, both gays saw that Hux was staring at the both of them, eyebrows furrowed. Dan, who usually cared too much about how people saw him, had given up on giving a fuck due to the heat. Deciding that any punishment would be worth the relief, the older gay lifted the helmet off of his head, revealing fluffy hair and round glasses. After seeing this, Hux looked away sharply. Pete looked at Dan and shrugged, ready to go fuck more shit up (or hopefully take more selfies).

The elevator dinged, and both boys decided this would be a good place to get off- as did Hux, who was still totally not looking- so Dan wiped the sweat from his face and slid the helmet back on to protect people from his ugliness. Pete took Dan's arm and led him to the left while Hux went to the right, practically jogging. Neither of them had an explanation other than "what if he thinks I'm cute, dude", but that was quickly struck down when Dan remembered his acne.

Pete was at Dan's side, aggressively calling him cute and saying that it was totally possible Hux would want to fuck him senseless, but neither of them got anywhere. The fake stormtroopers wandered around, only to find nothing again.

At this point, they were both fucking with random people, pushing over carts, putting orange traffic cones in a maze, piling up hallways and sliding down them with a running start, and eating every food related item they could find. Honestly, it was a wonder neither of them had been reported yet. After a while, both of them had grown bored and decided to leave, but this was a hard task considering the machine was lost in some huge ass spaceship.

Pete fortunately had a solution, in the form of a dick keychain.

"It's like a car alarm, only it'll lead us back to the pussy with arrows, see?" The keychain was working, and Dan couldn't do anything but applaud Pete for his engineering skills.

Both of them walked where the keychain was, occasionally bumping into people. After a while, they had to go down two floors (they had gone on the elevator again because it had the best air conditioning, and because the floors above them had food) and head to the right. As they were halfway down the monochrome coloured hallway, both of them were struck with the realization that Hux was near here, maybe, and they could totally fuck with him.

They didn't find him or his cat, to both gays's disappointment.

Eventually, Dan couldn't take it anymore (the skinny jeans were sweltering at this point) and dove into a broom closet to strip and pull them off, preferring to be naked under the black stormtrooper uniform than have on another set of clothes. With Pete standing guard (arms crossed much like a tiny aggressive bouncer) Dan stripped off his underclothes and pulled on the skintight black clothes.

During this, Pete had wandered off after seeing a cat, leaving Dan unattended.

In the process of pulling his shirt over his stomach, the closet door woodshed open. "Hey Pete, what's-"

Hux stood there, staring, Millicent curling around his ankles.

Dan should have known this kinda shit would happen to him, honestly. Pete gets fucked by the emo King, and Dan gets caught dressing by the ginger emo.

Neither of them said anything as Dan attempted to pull the shirt down onto his stomach, but his arms remained stuck in the air much to his horror.

"Uh." Hux's eyes snapped to Dan's, and both of them felt fairly uncomfortable. "A little help?" Dan flicked a wrist at the shirt, pointing at the problem.

Footsteps approached, and Pete peered his head into the closet just in time to see Hux pull Dan's shirt down. Pete, the universal Saint of making his friends get That Dick (TM) quickly shoved Hux in and locked the door, leaving Millicent behind to whirr around his ankles.

Two hours later, Pete stood guard of the pussy machine, waiting for Dan. The cat had kept him company, sure, but it didn't know that many memes so it got pretty boring. Pete was on the metal floor giving the cat belly scratches when Dan showed up, clothes rumpled and hair more of a mess that usual.

"My man." Pete highfived a limping Dan, who was trying his best to not look too suspicious.

That plan failed, however, because of Pete.

"YOU GOT THAT DICK, IM PROUD!" Pete slapped his friend on the back, very proud.

"Take me home Pete."


End file.
